


First & Last

by AverageFangirl220



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:01:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 17,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28476588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AverageFangirl220/pseuds/AverageFangirl220
Summary: In a world where soulmates exist, it's not as easy as it sounds. The  only way to find out if it is the right person is once one of the two has passed on.Huang Renjun thought he had time. He's only twenty after all. There's still years for him and his soulmate to meet and he can't wait for the day that it happens.Until he walks in to find a boy sitting on his couch.Two different worlds collide as Renjun falls in love with the boy who isn't even alive. Will he be able to overcome the wall that separates them, or will he find himself falling at the seams and giving it all up.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin, Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 7
Kudos: 88





	1. Chapter 1

Huang Renjun always tried to imagine the sort of person that he would have as a soulmate. For as long as he could remember, even when he was little, he tried drawing out an image in his head: how they would look, what sort of personality they would have and all the things they would do together once they met. The older he got, the more it changed.

When he was six, he pictured someone his age, with blonde hair and blue eyes; he blamed all the barbie dolls his cousins would make him play with. When he was ten, he thought it would be someone like the boy in his class, Hyunsuk, who always smiled at him whenever he got a chance. At sixteen, he pictured a foreigner with broad shoulders who loved football and secretly read in their spare time and would give him attention as much as they breathed.

Now, at twenty, he didn't care about all of that. As long as his soulmate loved him, that was more than he could ever ask for.

The sound of his phone ringing pulls him back to reality. He pulls it out and swipes the answer button without looking, because he already suspected who it was.

"Renjun," the familiar voice of his friend, Chenle, grumbles into the speaker of the phone, confirming his suspicions. By the tone alone, he already knows where their conversation is heading. "You said no _again_?" he demands when Renjun doesn't respond right away. He can hear the disappointment, but that's all it is. Disappointment. This little stunt he pulled is so common that they both know the last thing Chenle is, is surprised. When it came to set ups, it was a common courtesy for Renjun to decline and, if Chenle actually got him to agree, he'd cancel at the last minute. It wasn't anything personal though. He just hated being set up with total strangers that way. And if they were really meant to be his soulmate, they would have tried a little more. The thing about these setups was that every time he went on them, the person wouldn't even be interested in him. They'd be so focused on trying to bring themselves across in a good lighting that they barely spoke _to_ him.

He'd always been picky when it came to dating, something his friend Haechan told him was bad. If he had been picky, he never would have met Mark. The certainty that they were soulmates was there. Even Jeno had found someone, albeit they had yet to meet him. That just left him in the group. Though it never really bothered him; he had his whole life ahead of him thus he was perfectly alright with waiting, something his friends couldn't understand.

"He didn't like me," Renjun states firmly, holding back a sigh. As much as he tried to, Chenle never understood. Heading into the building, he makes his way over to the mailboxes and pulls out his key, phone pressed between his ear and his shoulder as he unlocks his own mailbox. He can hear Chenle's response before it comes—that's just how common this conversation had become.

"He didn't even know you." There's a pause. His breathing comes through the speaker in little huffs. "You didn't give him a chance, Ren."

"And not every guy you put in front of me deserves a chance, Chen." He pauses to gather the letters out of the box before slamming the little door closed and locking it again. "Besides, I don't think you knew him very well."

Chenle's voice falters in an instant. "I—"

"Seriously? I told you no strangers, Chen. I specifically recall mentioning that if you felt like setting me up that badly, at least make sure they're not total strangers. What were you thinking?" It was one thing turning down his friends' friends and having there be an awkward tension between them if they ever ran into each other again, but it was a totally different thing when it was a stranger. Strangers made it awkward, for the person setting up as much as for Renjun.

"I was thinking it would be nice to not have you be a fifth wheel when we go on dates."

"And I was thinking I didn't mind it, but clearly I was wrong." He's at his doorstep now, rummaging for the apartment key. He'd been lucky enough to get the second floor apartment; he didn't want any of the apartments from the third floor up because he didn't like heights all that much and every apartment had these balconies. He didn't want the first floor apartments because he didn't want to miss out on a balcony in the first place. So when this place came up for offer, he jumped at it.

"Look, Chen, I've got to go. We can talk later." He waits a moment before ending the call and now it's so much easier to unlock the door. He steps into the little apartment he's called home for the last three years and sucks in a breath of air, bag dropping to the spot beside the door. He starts calling out for his cat, Kyong, when he freezes.

The apartment was open spaced, so when you walked in, you were already in the living room, the balcony falling part of it to his right. To the left was the kitchen, the only thing separating it from the living room being the counter. Walking past these rooms, you had two doors; to the left was the bathroom and to the right was the bedroom. And despite living here for as long as he did, there wasn't much to fill the space.

So when he sees someone he doesn't recognize seated on his couch and having a conversation with his cat, his first instinct is freezing up. The guy is pretty: fair skin, pitch black hair and a thin face that, in any other situation, Renjun would have considered cute. Right now, he wanted to know who this guy was in the first place and what he was doing in his apartment.

He takes a step forward and the guy's head shoots up.

Sad. It's the first thing that pops into his mind when their eyes lock. Despite the softest of smiles across his face, his eyes were unbearably sad, like something tragic just happened and he was still overcoming the shock of it.

"Who are you?" Renjun says as the guy is about to look away and he's shaking. Renjun's hands are trembling, out of fear most likely and he can barely stand still as he stares at the guy in anticipation of a response. When he doesn't receive one, he takes another step forward. "Hey, I'm talking to you," he tries again, firmer this time. "Who are you? What are you doing in my apartment?" There's a quake in his voice that he can't hide. His voice is shaking along with the rest of him and more than anything he's tempted to pull out his phone and call the police or Haechan or Chenle.

Renjun whips out his phone when the guy doesn't say anything; he miss dials the number the first three times because he's trying to keep his eye on the guy and because of how much he's shaking now. He doesn't recall ever being in a situation where a break-in occurred. He'd always heard of them on the news, but this was the first time he was bearing witness; this was his first time being a victim and—

"You can see me?"

There's a jolt of electricity through his body at the sound of this guy's voice. It's something he couldn't begin to describe. A mixture of deep and high, somewhere in between but not quite like those voices. There's a soft lilt in his tone that comes off as sad as his eyes. A rasp Renjun picks up from the first syllable, like he's been crying.

He lifts his gaze to meet the guy's.

"Excuse me?" he stammers, but the sentence itself hits him in the gut. He's already dawning on the conclusion. Heart racing in his chest, he silently pleads this conclusion be wrong. For once he just needs to be wrong and he hopes he misheard the guy because it can't be possible. This can't be it and if it is, fuck. Just fuck.

"I thought you were talking to the cat, but..." He trails off in that voice of his that is making Renjun's stomach churn uncomfortable, but at the same time is sending jolts through him. Like he can actually feel the guy in front of him speaking. "But you can see me." This time the guy whispers and for some reason, Renjun's eyes start to burn as they brim with tears he tries to blink away.

"Oh." Renjun is whispering now, forcing his words past the lump in his throat. "Shit." 


	2. Chapter 2

He’s stopped shaking, but the words ring clear in his head.

The thing about soulmates was that you never really knew who they were until one of you passed on. You could love someone as much as you want and date them for as long as you wish only to find out they weren’t your soulmate. It was the one thing that scared Renjun about dating. Something he never wanted to admit to Chenle or the others. 

He’s thought a lot about how he’d meet his soulmate, but not once did he ever think he’d meet them after they passed away. He wasn’t prepared. At least not for this. Hands trembling, he makes his way over to the table where the guy sits, face lowered toward the cat as he pets her. 

“Guess animals are an exception,” he murmurs in an attempt to chase away the tension in the air. It takes everything in him to stop from fidgeting as he takes a seat, resting his elbows on the table and sucking in a breath. He wills himself to find something to say, so when something pops into his mind, he’s silently thankful. “So, I never got your name.”

“Jaemin. Na Jaemin.” His lips curve across his face into a gentle smile. It’s silent as Jaemin’s eyes flicker up and down in a way that Renjun knows he’s being scrutinized. His lips quirk a little and the smile makes him think of mischief. It was the sort of smile that screamed  _ ‘hey, come on. Look at me.  _ Which is precisely what it did. It made him want to look; to not look away for a second. 

“Cute,” he comments softly, eyes shifting back to Kyong. The cat seems to like the attention, despite getting it all the time. 

“Excuse me?” Renjun stammers, flushing at the unexpected compliment. 

“You’re cute,” he repeats, unfazed. “I like your hair colour too. It suits you.” A few months ago, he’d been spontaneous and gone to get his hair done. Unable to decide a colour, he called Chenle who said to just do whatever he felt for and that’s how he ended up with a cotton-candy pink colour for his hair. 

“Thank you,” he murmurs. Jaemin doesn’t look like the sort to lie, so he takes his word for it. While he didn’t exactly know the guy and contrary to his belief that nothing but mischief twinkled in his brown orbs, he actually had a trustworth ‘I’d never lie to you’ kind of presence. 

“So, I don’t think I caught your name either,” Jaemin points out, looking up at Renjun and watching him carefully. When he stares, there’s this tingle through his body. As if his soul was being stared into, and maybe that was what was happening. Maybe that was the feeling you got when making eye contact with your soulmate. After all, they’re the people you end up with the rest of your lives so there has to be something different in interacting with them than the rest of the world. Maybe they saw more than other people did and understood more than anyone else ever could. 

He takes his time to respond. “Huang Renjun.” Their eyes meet again and there’s a peculiar expression across his face, like he’s ready to say something. Before the words can so much as slip past his lips, Renjun points at him in what is meant to be a threatening manner.

“If you say a pretty name for a pretty face, I will not hesitate to hit you.”

A light, hearty chuckle that matches well with his voice leaves Jaemin. Smiling all the way up to his eyes that stare softly at him, like he can’t believe where he is. “How did you know?” he almost whispers, words almost lost between his laughter. “Either way, you can try to hit me all you want, but I’m pretty sure it won’t do you much good.”

The tension is back. His throat is closing up. In between their conversation, he’d managed to forget that little factor. The fact that as much as he looked to be real, he wasn’t. Not quite in the way Renjun was. He wasn’t relying on oxygen to breathe and Renjun couldn’t touch him. 

“Can I ask you something?” He forces past the lump in his throat, trying to swallow it away as he waits for Jaemin’s response. When he looks up, his forehead creases. His eyes seem to be a shade darker, and Renjun wonders if that’s possible, but he won’t ask because that’s not the question.

“Go ahead.”

“How did you find me?” He sighs, frustrated with himself at how short the question came out. He continues, adding on what he initially wanted to ask. “How did you know I was here?” Truth be told, it was the first thing that popped into his head after realizing who Jaemin was. He just hadn’t wanted to ask it as the start of their conversation. He wanted to wait until the right moment and, as he looked to Jaemin, he knew was now. 

He can see the way Jaemin tenses; his shoulders stiffening and his hands stopping mid stroke along Kyong’s back. He’s gnawing at his lip in consideration and then his head lowers so all Renjun is facing is his head of hair. They sit like that for a good few moments that start to stretch for so long that it feels like forever. But he waits. Patiently.

Jaemin’s hands start moving, stroking Kyong’s fur again. Looking at him, their gazes lock and there’s an intensity that feels like a slap in the face. “To be honest, I was looking for someone else. Somehow I ended up here.”

So it was an accident. A mere coincidence that Jaemin was able to find him. Disappointment settles itself in the pit of his stomach and suddenly, he can’t drink his coffee anymore. The idea of drinking it right now sickened him.

“I don’t think it was an accident though.” It’s like his mind is being read. Jaemin is looking at him and Renjun is doing all he can to not look away. His heart rate is increasing rapidly.

“Then what do you think it was, if not an accident?”

He’s smiling again. Renjun likes his smile more than any of the other expressions he’s shown so far. There’s a look in his eye that tells Renjun just how serious he is as he says, “Fate.”


	3. Chapter 3

Renjun wakes the next morning to nothing but silence. Which is unsettling. Usually Kyong was the one who woke him up by prancing across him as though he were looking for the right spot to lay on him. He always woke right before Kyong settled so that he could prevent waking the cat by standing up or something. But Kyong wasn’t there.

With all the energy he can muster, he pulls himself out of bed. Figuring he was around here somewhere, he decides to go and set out the food.

Down the hall and stepping into the living room area, he freezes on the spot. His hand rests along the wall as the memories of the day prior rushes back to him. Coming home to find Jaemin, finding out that he was his soulmate and discovering all his expectations of his soulmate were now shattered.

On the couch, he spots Kyong, curled up against Jaemin who had his arms wrapped around him. The scene pulls at his heart. He almost wishes that was him. He wishes it _could_ be him.

“You look so real,” Renjun whispers. He starts to make his way over to the kitchen when he hears a hum.

“Looks can be deceiving.” It’s Jaemin. Of course. It’s not like there was anybody else around here other than the two of them and the cat.

Renjun doesn’t turn around as he walks over to the coffee maker. “I thought you were asleep,” he murmurs. _I didn’t realize you would hear me_ , is what he doesn’t say, but they both know that’s what is between the lines. They’re both aware of it. There’s a yawn in response followed by the soft sound of footsteps as Jaemin makes his way over.

“It appears I don’t need sleep,” he says, plopping down into the seat by the table. Renjun finds it odd how he can hear Jaemin’s movement; he can hear when he’s walking and when he’s sitting down or how he’s able to touch the cat and seem to be able to feel her. How he can just sit down on the couch and the chair. It’s weird considering he’s not as real as Renjun. By that, he simply means that Jaemin is the closest thing to a spirit right now, so he’d expect him to be able to pass through things. Even more so considering he can’t actually grab objects; he tried picking up a cup the previous night, before Renjun turned in for the night, and his hand couldn’t grasp it. It was like his hand went through the object. Which made it so much more odd. It seemed he could only pass through objects if he were trying to actually grasp it or move it aside. Otherwise, he seemed completely real; living and breathing and one hundred percent real.

He turns, cup in hand, and looks at Jaemin in consideration. “What happens to you if I leave?”

“Leave?” The thought alone seems to alert him. He almost looks afraid.

“Yeah,” Renjun says. “I have a class today so I’d need to leave. Not that you can’t go or anything. I’m just curious whether you’d be able to stay here or if you’ll end up being pulled along with me,” he explains.

“I’ll be okay to wait. Kitty can keep me company.” As he says this, he’s already looking over to the couch where Kyong laid curled up and unmoving ever since Jaemin moved.

“Her name is Kyong.” He only says this when it hits him that he never actually told Jaemin what his cat’s name was, and it would be weird to hear him say _kitty_ all the time when she had her name. He doesn’t mean to come off as one of those people who says something like ‘how could you not know this’ and when Jaemin looks to him, he knows he understood as a smile brightens up his face.

“Kyong will keep me company.”

Renjun nods and then he has to hurry; he fills Kyong’s bowl, takes a quick shower and he’s rushing out thirty minutes later with a promise to see Jaemin later. For some reason, as he descends the stairs, he glances back and he almost smiles when he sees Jaemin by the door, waving.

*

Jaemin is by the kitchen table when Renjun gets back home. When Renjun and he make eye contact, there’s that ear splitting smile. It doesn’t hide the relief in his eyes, as much as he seems to want it to.

“How was class?”

“Good,” Renjun responds, dropping his bag on the other chair and walking over to put the kettle in. “We got our assignments back.”

“How did you do?” There’s excitement in his tone that stirs up a warm feeling through his chest.

“Ace pass.” It’s something he, Chenle and Mark used through their school years. Whenever they passed, no matter the mark, they used the term so whoever it was didn’t stress that their grade wasn’t a good enough pass.

“Ace pass?” His lips curl up at the corners and this time, it’s not that ear splitting smile, but something a lot more gentle and calm. It makes him feel all warm and fuzzy inside and while he likes how Jaemin looks with a smile, he prefers this one, because it feels all the more special in comparison to the other. “I like it. Well done.” He pauses, licking at his lips. “What do you do?”

“I’m an art major.” He pours coffee into his cup, stirring. “What about you? What did you do?” he asks so softly, that his voice feels so different.

“I majored in medicine. Took photography as a second major.” He turns around to face Jaemin as he speaks and the surprise must be evident on his face because he’s chuckling. “Growing up, I wanted to be a surgeon. I wanted to be able to help and save people, y’know?”

“And photography?”

“I found out I was good so I tried it out.”

“And what was it like?”

Jaemin’s smile widens. “Never take on two majors. Or a major and a minor. Especially when you have a heavy major,” he warns.

“I’ll take your word for it,” Renjun says, flashing a smile. He watches surprise shift across Jaemin’s expression and then he’s smiling too. He’s close to grinning.

“Hey!” he exclaims excitedly, catching Renjun by surprise. What could have gotten him this excited?

“What?” he stammers in question, waiting in anticipation to hear what his response would be.

It’s definitely something he doesn’t expect. It catches him off guard as Jaemin responds, “First time you’re smiling.” He leans back, taking in Renjun’s expression. “It’s really pretty,” he adds so softly.

Renjun flushes and, without any idea on how to respond, he stammers out a ‘thank you’ and turns back to the kettle. He can hear Jaemin chuckling.

“Of course,” he says softly, and Renjun thinks he means it. Of course he’s saying that, because he genuinely thought Renjun’s smile was pretty. That’s what he heard behind Jaemin’s words and what made him smile again. He can’t fight it off. 


	4. Chapter 4

It’s already a week since Jaemin first showed up in his apartment. Renjun was still getting used to it. Some mornings he goes straight to the shower and when he comes out, Jaemin is on the couch. It’s happened more times than he would care to admit and on the days that he didn’t forget, he got dressed in the bathroom. There were times he ended up dropping a cup because Jaemin was right behind him when he turned around. He’s had to buy a new set of mugs to replace them and he’s left a post-it to remind himself not to use any of his favourite mugs in the event he drops those too.

Today, after stepping into the apartment having gotten back from class, Jaemin appeared before him, a wide grin breaking away at his face. He insisted he help Renjun with cooking dinner tonight, because really it’s all he can do considering he can’t cook (and apparently it’s killing him. Which is how he figured out Jaemin used to cook a lot and guesses he was a great cook. Jaemin insists that if he follows his instructions precisely, he may be able to convey how good he really was.)

Despite knowing this information, he wants to know more. He’s following Jaemin’s instructions to mix lightly when he says, “So you cooked a lot at home.” 

Nothing else needs to be said for Jaemin to understand. His response comes after a momentary silence. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “Mom was always busy or she was visiting dad in the hospital.” His tone is soft in a way that Renjun can hear every ounce of emotion laced through. Renjun doesn’t want to pry or ask any further questions about his dad, despite that being the only thing that rings through his head. When Jaemin looks up, his lips quirk at the corners. “You can ask.”

“Your dad’s in the hospital?”

He offers a brief nod of his head. “Was in an accident two years ago. He’s been bed ridden ever since.”

Renjun listens. It’s all he can do because he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to give Jaemin false reassurances. The look in his eye when their gazes meet tells him that he knows. That he too doesn’t want those false reassurances that he seems to  _ know _ is on the tip of Renjun’s tongue. All he can offer is an ear, but Jaemin has other ideas.

“What about you?”

Renjun startles. Glancing at Jaemin, who seems to be watching him tentatively, he tries for a smile and a nonchalant shrug. Turning back to the food he’s preparing, he responds slowly, “My parents?”

“Yeah,” he responds. His eyes haven’t left Renjun, he can feel it.

“I should probably try and get a hold of them,” he mumbles unintentionally. Lifting his head, he holds back a sigh. “They moved back to China after I graduated. Haven’t really kept in touch as much as they promised or as much as we try. No resentment or anything, just the way it ended up, you know?” He hears Jaemin’s hum which he takes as an ‘okay’ to continue speaking. He’s almost done with the food, according to Jaemin and he’s still diligently following the odd instruction or two between their conversation.

“I think our family just sucks at keeping in touch,” Renjun says again. Jaemin opens his mouth as if to say something but the look Renjun shoots him has his lips smacking back together as he continues standing there. “My brother finished up years before me and I only ever heard from him a handful of times before I graduated. He went on with his life and mom, dad and myself went on with ours. I thought maybe I’d be different, but I guess not.”

“Will you try and call them?”

“One day. Maybe soon.” Renjun sucks in a breath as he stirs the food. “So with your mom gone, did it ever get lonely?”

He catches the small, knowing smile that curls across Jaemin’s face. “My friends would come over and we’d spend the evening together.” He sighs almost dreamily, leaning back against the counter with his head tilted up as he looks to the ceiling. “I wish I could have cooked for you,” he comments softly, no real thought behind his words. Words that catch at Renjun’s heart and tugs at it violently. It’s like it’s being squeezed so hard that he can feel the tingling of the sensation in his chest. 

Because he wants that. He wishes he could have that; Jaemin cooking for him. Jaemin doing things for him and vice versa. Being able to actually be with his soulmate without the division of their worlds. To feel every touch, to be able to hold him and to  _ hug _ him, even if it was just for a moment. It’s all he wanted. Maybe it’s the emotion dripping through Jaemin’s voice that sends him into this sudden spiral of need. He’s managed to avoid it all week, pulling himself away from the edge before he could plummet. Hearing Jaemin wish something so trivial yet so meaningful puts all those efforts of avoidance to a halt. 

“I can imagine,” Renjun responds, doing all he can to keep the tremor out of his voice. 

There’s a waft of air behind him and it takes him a moment to realize the reason behind it. Jaemin had made an act of slapping him on the back gently, but rather than him actually being able to feel it, it appears the action generates the breeze. Like something warm around him. 

“But this is the next best thing!” Jaemin exclaims giddily, unfazed by the action. Renjun reminds himself that of course he would be unfazed considering he wasn’t the one on the receiving end. “C’mon, finish up so you can eat!”

With a roll of his eyes, he follows through with the little excited demand. “Impatient much?” he teases softly. 

“Excited actually.”

When the food is done, Jaemin walks over to the table and takes a seat while Renjun dishes up for himself. His hand curls around a second plate, but he catches himself in time and pulls away, grabbing a fork instead. It was a simple dish; kimchi fried rice. Jaemin insisted they start somewhere, with something small and the more they cooked, the less simpler the dish would be. Renjun ended up agreeing. 

“This is great!” he exclaims after a single bite. It’s  _ really _ good. He could only imagine how amazing it would be if Jaemin had been the one to make it. The thought brings back the heavy feeling in his chest. 

“Of course it is,” Jaemin responds, a proud look on his face. “I helped you make it.”

“Yeah,” he says softly. Nothing more than a murmur. There’s this tinge of guilt in the pit of his stomach as he eats. It’s sitting and it’s weighing itself the more bites he takes because he can feel Jaemin looking at him. Just sitting there, watching him and not being able to eat. It sits with him. As much as Renjun knows it's not  _ his  _ fault Jaemin isn’t alive, he still feels guilty. 

“Jaemin, can I ask you something?” 

The question has sat with him from the moment he found out, but he never had the courage to actually ask. Now, however, he wanted to know the answer to it more than anything else. 

“Of course.” His brows pinch together, curiosity gleaming in those dark orbs that felt as if they were looking right through him. 

“How…” He trails off, releasing a shaky sigh before trying again. “How did you die?”

It’s shit. The silence that follows after that. The question is heavy in the air and Renjun feels like he’s suffocating; the question itself was sucking all the oxygen out of the room. His eyes keep darting to Jaemin and then darting away when he notes that Jaemin still hasn’t looked away. He’s staring with this expression that is so emotionless it almost hurts. 

“I —  I need to go,” Jaemin murmurs.

Renjun wants to stop him but in the blink of an eye, he’s already gone. Once again, Renjun is left alone in his tiny apartment with his cat and the excruciating silence.


	5. Chapter 5

He doesn’t see Jaemin after that, which is worrying. He wants to know where his significant other disappeared to and the reason behind his disappearance. Though Renjun will admit he feels guilty. If he hadn’t asked the question, Jaemin wouldn’t have felt the need to leave like that. Of course he understood if Jaemin didn’t want to speak about it as well, but then why not just tell him that? Why run off like that?

Shifting his bag over to his other shoulder, his eyes flicker over to Mark who takes a seat between him and Chenle. Not all that long after Jaemin ran out, he got a call from Chenle claiming that they needed to meet up regarding something important. Mark had a night shift, so they agreed to meet up today, after Mark’s class. 

“So care to tell me what’s so important?” Renjun queries after Mark greets him with a ruffle of his hair and a pat on Chenle’s head. He pulls away, hands flying up to fix his hair, eyes shifting over to Chenle who has a smile across his face. His eyes are intense, disbelief and uncertainty lingering through his orbs despite the smile which is nothing new. Ever since he met Chenle, the kid was always smiling. Which only made him scarier when he wasn’t. 

“He’s back in town,” Chenle says simply. His voice is a little higher, words coming out thicker. He’s still smiling, but his eyes have lost their shine. Renjun doesn’t need to ask  _ who _ to know who he’s referring to. 

“What do you mean he’s back in town?” Renjun demands. It sucks. It feels like betrayal, not knowing this information. They were supposed to be friends.  _ All _ of them. So why wouldn’t he contact them? Why wouldn’t he contact him? And does this mean he contacted Chenle?

As if reading his mind, Chenle waves his hand in an up and down motion. “He hasn’t gotten in contact with me. Mom called yesterday. Asked if I knew he was back in town. She saw him at the store.” He cuts himself off as one of the waiters makes their way over with a tray of drinks. They ordered while waiting on Mark. 

“Here you go,” he murmurs softly, placing each order in front of each of them respectively. Renjun doesn’t miss the slight tremor in his hand as he places the cup of mocha (sue him for deciding to try something different) in front of him. “Enjoy your drinks,” he says with an eye high smile. He must be new with the way the nerves radiate off of him; he looks sort of cute too. With one final bow, he heads off back inside. 

“Your mom saw him in the store?” Renjun asks, pulling his gaze away from the direction the waiter had disappeared in. 

Chenle hums. “She wanted to know if I’ve heard from him yet because apparently he looked like shit. Looked like he was speaking to himself too.”

“So maybe he found his soulmate,” Mark comments absentmindedly, but Chenle’s already shaking his head.

“She’s seen people speak to their soulmates. Says this was different.” Chenle pauses, hands pressing tightly around his cup as he releases a sigh. “I don’t think he’s doing so well.” 

He knows where his friend is going with this. Senses the words that’s left unsaid, but he wants proper confirmation. “You want us visiting him.” His voice is taut with all the emotions he was withholding. It was taking every ounce of him to keep it from slipping. 

“Do we know where he’s staying?”

Chenle barely glances Mark’s away as he responds, “Same address.” He pulls out a notebook and flips to a page, scribbling something down. Renjun sips from his cup, eyes not once straying from Chenle. The sound of tearing echoes between them as he pulls a page out and then he’s sliding it over to Renjun and  _ oh _ . It’s got an address written in Chenle’s massive handwriting and without asking, he knows whose address this is. Which means he knows the intention behind Chenle handing it over to  _ him _ .

“Why me?” Lifting his gaze, up from the piece of paper, he furrows his brows as he looks at Chenle questioningly.

“You live the closest to him,” comes the simplest and least expected answer for Renjun. 

Chenle can be persuasive. Convincing. In just three words, he could get someone to do something whether they declined before or not. Which is why he doesn’t bother fighting him on this. Reluctantly stretching out his arm, he pulls the piece of paper to him and heaves a sigh. Tucks it in his phone case before slipping it back onto his phone.

“I’ll go tomorrow after class,” he murmurs. 

They speak for a while after that, catching up. Their schedules always have a tendency to clash with Mark working during the nights and Chenle and Jisung looking for an apartment together, they haven’t had the time to just sit the way that they are now and catch up on everything. Through the conversation, Renjun has to decline the possibility of dates more times than he would care to count and he has to deal with the disappointment across Chenle’s face (because as excited and as pleased as Renjun is that he’s finally found his soulmate and no longer has to go on all of these pointless dumb dates, he wasn’t exactly jumping to tell his friends just yet. He wanted to wrap his head around it before anything else.)

The waiter comes back with the bill and he’s still trembling, but a little less. He casts a glance at the three of them in which he catches Renjun’s eye, flushes and looks away almost immediately. 

“Thank you, Shotaro,” Renjun murmurs as the three stand up. The waiter boy looks surprised for a split second, and then he’s smiling and bowing. He waves to them (and Mark admits that he did look vaguely familiar.) They part ways when Chenle and Mark leave for the station. Renjun goes the opposite direction, taking the bus. 

For the rest of the ride, it sits on his mind. Their friend and Chenle’s mom’s words ring on a loop in his mind. And then, how Jaemin is. How, despite this little distraction, he couldn’t shake the worry off. 

All his hope is riding in Jaemin being home when he gets there. 


	6. Chapter 6

Relief washes over him like a flood. Walking through the front door, he doesn’t give himself a chance to close the door as he walks over to the table where Jaemin is seated, Kyong in his lap.

“You do _not_ do that, Na Jaemin!” If he could hit him, he would. Jaemin looks up, startled. Like a deer caught in headlights. He doesn’t say anything either, not at first. Jaemin stares in a way that says he’s wrapping his head around Renjun’s outburst as well as the situation itself.

“Excuse me?” he eventually stammers, eyes still wide. As innocent as a child, Renjun thinks as he looks at him. He wants to hit him. Hit him and then hug him, but as he presses a hand down onto the table, which is meant to be resting atop Jaemin’s, he’s reminded once again how impossible that is.

“You don’t just disappear like that,” he exclaims, voice quivering near the end as he strains it. “You tell me that you’ll be back! Tell me that you need to go, but you’ll definitely be back. Is that so difficult?” His hand trembles against the table. He’s trying to get a hold of the anger. Anger that, moments before, had been nothing but concern and worry.

“I’m sorry, Renjun.”

“I’d hit you if I could,” he murmurs, flopping into the seat across from Jaemin and pressing his head into his arms. “You just disappeared—” He paused, lifting his head so that his words could be audible enough. “You weren’t here when I woke up and I don’t know where you go or how this works so for all I know, you may not return because something’s got you. I didn’t know if you were coming back, _when_ you were coming back, so excuse me for being just a tad worried,” he rambles, not looking at Jaemin. He’s avoiding eye contact because he knows the moment they lock gazes, his heart will ache all over again and he’ll be toast. Because Jaemin had those eyes, as calming as the ocean under the sparkle of the stars and the light of the moon. A calm that warmed Renjun all the way to his toes and unsettled him at the same time.

“I’m sorry,” Jaemin says suddenly. Renjun whips his head to look up. Guilt is written all across Jaemin’s face, as if he’d never once considered that Renjun would worry. Which is a little upsetting in itself. “I just needed time to think. It wasn’t my intention to worry you.”

With a reluctant sigh, his lips tug at the corners. “You’re forgiven, as long as you promise not to do that again,” he says, watching as Jaemin starts to smile.

“I promise,” Jaemin says, lifting a hand and resting the other over his chest. Renjun almost laughs, but he holds it.

Not wanting to let their conversation die there, he racks his mind for something to say and then, Jaemin’s words ring in his head and he has an idea. “You said you needed time to think?”

A distant look wafts into his eyes, Renjun watching quietly as Jaemin hums. “You can see me, so you’re obviously my soulmate,” he murmurs, voice as distant as the look in his eye. “Which means I shouldn’t be overthinking.” He releases a long breath of air right before he sucks in another. All Renjun can do is watch as his shoulders slump and he seems to ready himself to say his next words. “I’m ready to tell you,” he says, those calm eyes looking right at Renjun and it feels, once again, as if he can see into his soul.

“How you died?” He wonders if this was what he was thinking about too; if this crossed his mind and he came to the conclusion that there was no need to keep it from Renjun of all people.

“Yeah,” he says and Renjun can hear the way he swallows. The struggle, like he’s trying to get past a lump in his throat. “I, uh… I was with…” He struggles for words.

“Jaemin,” Renjun murmurs, reaching out a hand to where Jaemin’s is rested. “No need to rush. You don’t have to go into detail or anything,” he assures.

Another release of breath before he’s opening his eyes again. “Let’s just say I risked my life saving the person I thought was my soulmate.”

It hits him like a train. Jaemin mentioned before that he was looking for someone. It hits him like a train riding a bus, is how hard the realization is. “Who you were looking for,” Renjun puzzles it together absentmindedly.

“Yeah.” A heartless chuckle leaves his lips, empty and hollow and not at all like him. He thinks he hears Jaemin choke on that chuckle. “But he couldn’t see me.”

They sit there for what feels like hours; Jaemin’s words still ring in the air around them, but neither of them move. Exhaustion is trying to hug him, but he fights it off, not wanting to leave Jaemin alone. He didn’t want to wake to find Jaemin gone. Nor did he want to leave him alone after finding that out. He couldn’t imagine what it was like, dying for someone you love only to find out they’re not your soulmate. Absolutely tortuous, he could imagine.

“Go get some sleep,” Jaemin encourages. Renjun is ready to protest when Jaemin lifts his head and flashes that charming little smile of his. “I won’t go this time. I promise.”


	7. Chapter 7

It was the middle of the night when Renjun woke again. Despite his attempts and the constant search for a comfortable position, he couldn’t seem to bring back that drowsy feeling again; he was more awake than ever. Glancing at the clock, a sigh passes through his lips. 

Knowing this is a battle he will most certainly lose, he forces himself out of bed and makes his way to the kitchen where, leaning against the counter, stood Jaemin. How he had bed hair at that moment was beyond Renjun, but it was there and definitely added to his cuteness. He wasn’t bad looking, really. In fact, had they been in school, Jaemin would have been the sort of person Renjun couldn’t imagine starting a conversation with him. There was an obvious line that separated them. Or, at least in his head there was. 

“Coffee run?” It’s Jaemin’s voice pulling him out of his mind once again. 

“Yeah.” He walks into the kitchen and grabs a cup, hand instinctively reaching for another before stopping midway. “I was going to ask — ” He starts, voice quaking. He can hear as Jaemin walks, stepping past him to stand on the other side of him. He’s got this loose smile and a faraway gaze. 

“Usually this is when I would,” he murmurs softly. A hand reaches out, and Renjun can feel the warmth of the air around his where he would usually be able to feel physical contact. “Six shots of espresso.”

He almost chokes on the coffee, a splutter of nonsense as he tries to find his voice. “Six?” He queries in disbelief. Renjun couldn’t even take two, so how Jaemin was able to take  _ six _ was astounding. 

He smiles, as if he’s used to the surprise. As if he’s gotten this reaction so many times before that it no longer fazes him. It makes a guy wonder, really, but of course he doesn’t say anything about it. Instead, Jaemin responds. “I have a unique taste,” he admits softly. “Not a lot of people could eat or drink the sort of stuff I liked. There was never an in between taste like other people have.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“I guess.”

“But that just means nobody would think twice about stealing your food.” He smiles gently. Jaemin’s smile matches his.

Quirking a brow, Jaemin watches him closely, considering him for a moment. Renjun doesn’t miss the look he gives him; the one where his eyes rake his entire outer appearance as if checking him out, though he’s positive that isn’t the case in this moment. “Do you usually have coffee runs at this hour?”

He falters for a second before quickly recomposing himself. “Oh, no. Just couldn’t sleep again, so I figured there was no harm.”

“I can sit up with you until you fall asleep again, if you’d like.” Genuine. Jaemin is genuine, Renjun thinks as he looks at him. He sees the way Jaemin looks at him and he considers how easily the words leave his lips. Like he’s used to saying something so kind. Without needing to give it a second thought. 

With a nod, Renjun turns back to the coffee maker. “Let me make this and I’ll take you up on that offer.”

“It’s a deal,” Jaemin responds and he likes how he can hear the grin in his voice. 

Whilst making the coffee, Jaemin goes to the couch where he takes a seat. Out of the corner of his eye, Renjun catches him pulling Kyong onto his lap. A surge of jealousy hits him. The sudden need to slap him occurs right after, when he realizes that he was jealous of his cat, out of all things. 

“Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.”

“Do you regret it?” Renjun murmurs, staring at the cup in his hands. A small circle still whirls around in the cup from when he stirred it. “Risking your life to save him, I mean.” 

“No, I don’t. I’d probably do it again if I were given another chance.”

“What? Why?” Surprise rings clear in the air, shock clear in his body.

“Because,” Jaemin starts off and then something shifts in the air. His expression, his voice,  _ everything _ . It becomes so raw that Renjun feels an ache in  _ his  _ chest. “I didn’t do it because I thought he was my soulmate. I did it because I cared for him. Loved him. I didn’t want to see him get hurt. He deserved to live”

“So did you!” Renjun’s outburst takes them both by surprise. He hadn’t intended to say anything; he planned to sit quietly and listen attentively, but something about the way Jaemin spoke so earnestly about this other guy deserving to live struck him a lot harder than he expected it to. He also intends to stop there, but he has a feeling that if he does, Jaemin won’t be saying much. Just a question or a comment of surprise which is most definitely the last thing he wants to hear. Which is what encourages him to continue. “You’re pretty selfish, risking your life. You considered his life, but you didn’t consider yourself.” Renjun holds back a scoff. “That can be considered suicide.” Because somehow, he has the feeling Jaemin knew he wasn’t going to make it before he saved the guy. Which means he saved him, knowing he wouldn’t be going home or waking up again. As much as he was saving someone, he was giving up a life of his own. His grip tightens around the cup so much that it’s trembling. Coffee spills out of the cup.

“Renjun — ”

“You saw him, didn’t you?”

A grim look passes his face and the rawness is back in his voice. The pain seeps through like a sword, slow, but excruciating. “He’s hurting,” he says, voice quivering. “He’s hurting and I don’t  _ want  _ that. I want him to smile. To live his life. Not to mourn over me.” With a whisper he adds on, “I’m not worth it.”

_ But you are,  _ Renjun wants to say.  _ And can you blame him? _ He wants to ask, but he bites his tongue and assesses the situation. Processes the words for a second before he responds. He doesn’t want to respond for the sake of responding, but to respond in a way that shows he’s actually given it thought and he understands.

“A little hard,” Renjun says finally after what feels like an hour (at least to him.) “He’s probably waiting for you.” As an afterthought, he murmurs, “If it will help, after I visit a friend tomorrow, we can go to him, okay?”

“Okay.” Jaemin hums and then he does a double take, staring at Renjun with wide eyes. Renjun’s heart jolts inside his chest while Jaemin doesn’t even seem to notice as he goes on. “Does this mean — ”

Renjun cuts him off with a single grin. “You’ll be coming with me tomorrow.”


	8. Chapter 8

Sometimes he wonders if Jaemin sleeps. This morning, when he got up, the boy appeared to be sleeping, but the moment he stepped out of the shower and was ready to go, Jaemin was standing near the door, a nervous look on his face. The entire ride to his friend’s place, Jaemin seemed jittery. He asked one question after another, trying to piece together where they were going, but Renjun didn’t respond. He changed the topic.

When they reach the apartment, Renjun knocks. It’s a long wait, a repeat of knocking and waiting on his part. When it seems that his friend isn’t going to answer the door, he reaches for the spare key. As he stands, he catches the look on Jaemin’s face. Like he’s just seen a ghost.

“What are we doing here?” he demands, but there’s a tremble in his voice.

He doesn’t bother glancing at Jaemin as he replies softly, “Visiting my friend. I told you yesterday.” He unlocks the door and tucks the key back in its hiding spot. He’s faintly aware of Jaemin calling out his name consistently, but Renjun isn’t listening. He doesn’t consider there to be a good enough reason. The entrance alone is a mess. Shoes scattered by the entrance, an umbrella stand knocked over, the umbrella on the opposite side of the little corridor he finds himself in.

“Renjun,” Jaemin starts again, but Renjun cuts him off.

“Jaemin, wait a second please,” he interrupts, waving a hand dismissively. He doesn’t notice the shock in Jaemin’’s eyes or the mix of surprise across his face. He doesn’t notice the panic in his voice. All because he isn’t quite paying attention; Jaemin’s entire state goes over his head.

“But—”

“We can talk after, alright?”

“Renjun—”

He ignores him, making his way down the corridor. Just as he turns the corner into the living room, he stops. In the doorway stands his friend, but it doesn’t _look_ like him. His once smiling eyes have darkened over, a cloud of sorrow hanging high above his head. A peak behind him, Renjun sees just how much of a mess the living room is. As messy as he seems to be. Which means he’s hurting. For as long as he’s known him, he’s always been clean and kept everything neat. Cleaned up after himself as if on autopilot. Seeing how tousled his hair was, the bags under his eyes and getting a whiff of him from where he was standing, Renjun knew something was extremely wrong.

Jaemin has gone exceptionally quiet, but before Renjun can glance over at him, his friend whispers hoarsely, “R- Renjun?” The sound of his voice reminds Renjun of what effort would sound like. The way he has to force the word between his lips. He can hear the hidden whimper, as if he were about to cry at any given moment. He was fighting it off, more so now that Renjun was there. It was a bad habit of his, trying to hide his pain when others were there. ‘Didn’t want to worry them’ was always the excuse. Renjun called it bullshit.

“Hey, Jeno,” he murmurs softly, trying to hide the worry away from his voice. “You weren’t answering so… Guess you never thought to move the spare key, huh?” he tries to ease the tension in the air, but he has a feeling it doesn’t work the way he wanted it to.

He feels a breeze near his sleeve and whips his head around to look at Jaemin who, in the heat of the moment, seemed to be trying to tug his sleeve frantically. His eyes were wide with panic and he looked about ready to puke. Renjun wondered if he _could_ puke. “R- Renjun, I need to—”

“Jaemin, not now, okay?”

His face pales; Jeno looks like he’s just been told the worst of all bad news. _He_ appeared ready to puke and Renjun didn’t miss the quiver of his bottom lip, eyes frantically searching Renjun’s own. His hands are pressing tightly into his shoulders and _shit_ —he can feel the way Jeno’s hands are trembling, barely able to grasp onto him for that long. He has absolutely no energy.

“Jaemin?” Jeno asks and there’s an ache in his voice that Renjun didn’t notice before. For a moment, it startles him. “Did you say Jaemin?”

“I did,” he stammers, unable to comprehend what was actually being asked. The unspoken words that linger in the air. Jeno’s eyes are full of desperation.

“Ren,” Jaemin says softly. It’s the first time Renjun is listening to him since they got there. The first time he glances over and fully takes in the pain in Jaemin’s eyes that elicits an ache in his own chest. “This…” He trails off mindlessly, eyes seemingly glued to Jeno. “This is him. It’s him.”

He doesn’t need to be told anymore to know what Jaemin means.

“You mean you and Jeno—” His voice catches, so he tries again. “You two” This time, there’s a lump in his throat that the words can’t seem to get passed. The idea that one of his best friends had dated _his_ soulmate had never occurred to him. The possibility had always felt impossible and yet here he stood, in front of one of his best friend’s, who just so happened to be the person his soulmate died saving. It hurt. A lot more than he would ever tell either of them. He slides his hand up to cover the left side of his chest where he clutches the material of his jersey tightly, knuckles whitening in the process.

“Y- You’re speaking to him?” Jeno forces out. One moment, he’s still gripping onto Renjun’s shoulders and then the next, he’s fallen to his knees. In a panic, Renjun kneels before him, gently placing his own hands on Jeno’s shoulders. His own hands tremble slightly, but he has to get a grip of himself. Jeno’s a mess as tears fall from his eyes and he’s close to sobbing, but that doesn’t stop him from speaking. “I- I was waiting,” he sobs out, lifting a hand to swipe at his face. Or perhaps that was the intention, because he barely gets his arm to his eyes before it’s dropping right back to his side. “I was waiting for him. Jaemin. But he just wasn’t coming and then I thought he was mad.” It’s a blubber of incoherency, but Renjun is able to get the gist of what he’s saying. Which is why he’s able to tighten his grip on Jeno’s shoulders and shake him gently. _Handle with care_.

“Now why would I be mad at you?”

“Now why would he be mad at you?”

Renjun and Jaemin startle, glancing at each other for a brief moment in which they share a small, polite smile. Their words echo together, mirror images of each other. Or rather than that, an almost-exact-clone of each other. It makes him want to smile more, but he fights it off.

“B- Because it’s my fault that he’s gone,” Jeno blubbers, practically wailing. His brows pull together as he watches Jeno. Jaemin watches them with this painful expression.

With a sigh, and not quite sure what else to do, he wraps his arms around Jeno and pulls him into his chest. His hand strokes along Jeno’s back gently as the boy wails loudly, sobs muffled into Renjun’s chest. It’s not perfect, but this is the most comfort he could ever provide Jeno right now. 


	9. Chapter 9

“He’s asleep,” Renjun says to Jaemin. He’s just stepped out of the bedroom where he’d laid Jeno down to rest. He waited a good few moments before he left, being extra careful as he closed the door. He stopped outside, looking at Jaemin who leaned against the wall, chin tucked down toward his chest. Renjun couldn’t see the look on his face or the emotion in his eyes which he discovered he didn’t like. He liked seeing Jaemin’s face and being able to tell how he was feeling. “C’mon, I need to clean up.”

He steps past Jaemin and into the living room where he starts on exactly that. Now, with most of the information, he can understand why Jeno seems to be in the state that he is. However, there was something still prodding at him.

“Why would he think that?” He’s tossing a bunch of fast food boxes into the dirt bag. He can feel Jaemin’s eyes on him, but he doesn’t turn around. “Why would he think that it’s his fault?”

At first he’s met with silence. He assumes Jaemin isn’t going to answer, so he continues his little clean up mission. It wasn’t as bad as it first appeared when he showed up, and he guesses that’s because it’s Jeno’s place and as much as he was hurting and in one of the worst states Renjun has ever seen him, he was still Jeno who needed to clean up after himself. It certainly wasn’t what Chenle’s place looked like when he and Jisung were in one of the biggest fights of their relationship. _That_ was the biggest mess he’s ever cleaned up.

“I’ll tell you.”

His head whips around. Jaemin’s still standing, closer to one of the couches which means they’re only a ruler’s length apart. As big as the apartment building appeared, that was only the first impression one would get. The entrance itself gave off the idea that the place was large, but it was like living in a box. The kitchen and living room were connected, the only thing really separating them was the door to the bedroom. Most of the space in the living room was taken up by the two couches (a two seater and a one seater) and the table with the television on it. Renjun was sitting in the spot where a coffee table once sat for barely a month before Jeno took it to storage, claiming there wasn’t enough space for them to relax when they occasionally visited.

With so little space between them, Renjun wonders what it would be like if he could touch Jaemin and actually be able to feel him. That, if he were alive, would this be the moment where they leaned in and closed the gap between their lips. He shakes the thought away and casts his gaze toward Jaemin who has yet to look away.

“You… What?”

Jutting his chin in the direction of the couch, Renjun shifts over and pulls himself up onto it. Folding his hands together tightly, he glances over at Jaemin who takes the seat opposite him. There’s a crease along his forehead as he stares intensely at the ground. It’s the first time he’s looked away. Not sure what to expect, it startles him when Jaemin starts off right away. He expected slight resistance or hesitancy, but there was none of that.

“We were walking,” Jaemin starts, words tumbling out in a mumble. Something he must realize himself, Renjun thinks when Jaemin shifts himself to sit up a little straighter and clears his throat before continuing. There’s a shiver in his voice. “Crossing the track. The boom gates weren’t working so we checked before crossing. But the train…” The more he speaks, the more frantic his voice becomes. Just like the rest of him, his voice shakes and it becomes clear he’s losing the battle to hold himself together. It’s now, more than ever, that Renjun hates not being able to hold him. Not being able to reach out and pull him to his chest and just _hold_ him. The way he’d been able to do with Jeno moments ago. He can’t even reach a damn hand out to reassure him.

He still does. Surprise crosses his expression and then, Jaemin seems to get a hold of himself for a moment. Long enough to finish his retelling, but it doesn’t wash away the pure anguish on his face or in his voice.

“The train… The train came so fast. Out of nowhere. Jeno was on the track, and I was right behind him. I didn’t want him to get hurt, so I pushed him out of the way.” He tucks his chin toward his chest, bowing his head and pressing together his hands that are noticeably shaking. Renjun wants to hold him so badly. “It wasn’t his fault that I died,” Jaemin whispers.

Wet.

Renjun’s eyes are wet. He doesn’t notice until he’s speaking. He’s tearing up and has to blink a few times to make the tears go away. “I know,” he says and he can hear the strain in his voice; can feel the lump he hadn’t noticed before. Trying to swallow past it was deemed useless.

“Please tell him, okay?” Jaemin’s eyes are full of urgency when he looks up again. A sad urgency. “Tell him that it wasn’t his fault. That I don’t blame him. Please, I just—”

Whatever he was about to say falls short. Renjun wants to say ‘of course’ because he means it. Of course he’ll tell Jeno this because despite not being there, he knows it wasn’t Jeno’s fault. Except, he doesn’t say anything because Jaemin is looking at him apologetically. He knows the look.

“I just—I need to step out for a bit,” Jaemin explains, turning around without waiting to hear Renjun’s response; without waiting to hear whether there would be a response in the first place.

He pauses in his step. “I’ll be back,” he says assuredly, disappearing out the door. All Renjun can do is watch him go, mind still processing the information he was just given, and hope that he _will_ be back before Renjun can worry too much.

Impossible. He’s still worried, even now. 


	10. Chapter 10

He’s in the kitchen making coffee when the bedroom door creaks open. Instinctively, he grabs another cup out of the cupboard and pours over the coffee into both.

“You’re still here?” 

Jeno makes his way out of the room groggily, hair messy and disheveled. While the look suited him, he couldn't help but miss the way he always ensured his hair was brushed neatly. He's still not smiling, eyes still filled with an intensity of emotions all in one. Despite this, he looked better rested than when Renjun first arrived, which was pleasing in itself. 

“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he responds softly, voice barely above a whisper. Lifting his head, he takes in the living room from where he stands. His mouth tugs at a corner. “I cleaned up a bit. Made some food too because you can’t live on all that take-out food.”

“You cooked?” Rather than the surprise in his voice offending him, Renjun can’t help but smile. Back when they still saw Jeno (before he up and disappeared across the country and never reached out again per his return), Renjun was the last person to do the cooking. He was, however, still so much better than Mark, but at the end of the day, it was Jeno who had done most of the cooking for them. He almost scoffs.

“Don’t sound so surprised. I cook,” he announces proudly. It doesn’t last more than a minute before the situation dawns on him and he’s lowering his head again. “I’m sorry we’re not meeting under better circumstances.”

As he steps over into the lounge, he suppresses a sigh, halting in his steps as he lifts his head and catches Jaemin’s eye. He’s standing by the couch, seeming unsure as to whether he wanted to sit or not. Jaemin’s eyes flicker over to Jeno. Renjun fights to stop from following his gaze.

“I am too,” Jeno murmurs somewhere behind him. Footsteps close in, and then they’re standing beside each other.

“Je?” 

He planned to say more than that, but the words catch in his throat. It’s like somewhere along the lines of finding out their connections to each other and everything that happened, he forgot how to speak to Jeno without feeling partially guilty. Guilty because in some way, it was his fault for being Jaemin’s soulmate. He was the reason the two of them weren’t soulmates; the reason Jeno was hurting when Jaemin didn’t show and the reason Jaemin felt useless with the entire situation. If Renjun wasn't around, they may have been soulmates; they would have been reconnected like every happily ever after story went. But that wasn't going to happen because Renjun was around. He sucks in a breath. 

“Yeah?” He can feel Jeno's eyes on him, unwavering.

“It’s not your fault.” He turns toward him. “Jaemin doesn’t blame you, so don’t go blaming yourself either, okay?” Lifting a hand, he taps the top of Jeno’s head with the back of his fist, a small smile tugging across his lips. It's definitely something Jeno would do.

“Is he here?”

“Would it matter?”

Uncertainty crosses his face and then, as an after thought, he grits his teeth. Hands curling into fists at his side, he lowers his head. There must be a battle going on inside his head that Renjun couldn't begin to imagine the intensity of. “Tell him I’m sorry—”

“He looked for you too, you know,” he cuts Jeno off because really there was no need to hear his apologies. His apology wasn't necessary because he wasn't at fault no matter how much he believed it. Jaemin didn't need to hear another aimless apology either. He starts to move, but halts when coffee spills out of the cup and onto his hand, his lips parting to release a soft hiss as he hurriedly places the cup down. A wet cloth is shoved into his hand, Jeno wrapping it around the area the coffee spilled.

“You’re not just saying that are you?”

He shakes his head. “He came to you, but when he realized, it hurt him too.”

“He saved me because I was his soulmate. I was supposed to be. He should be alive right now. With you.”

“He saved you because he loved you. And he’d do it again.” Shifting all the weight onto his other foot, he wraps an arm around Jeno and pulls him into an embrace. “Let’s stay in touch this time, okay?”

“I’d like that.” Jeno smiles in a way that it just misses his eyes; not quite reaching them, but the fact that he’s smiling is more than enough.

They finish their coffee together. All the while, Renjun is more than aware of Jaemin's eyes on the two. He'd pay a pocket full of pennies just to know what was going on in his mind. In any other situation, he may have asked, but he chose not to. Speaking to Jaemin in front of Jeno felt wrong, somehow. Like he was committing a crime. He avoided mentions of their common grounded friend. When it was time to leave, he wrote down his number for Jeno who walked him up to the elevator right after. 

Jaemin didn't reappear until he was downstairs. He'd been following closely behind, but hadn't joined Renjun's side even when he and Jeno parted ways. He found him waiting downstairs. His hair was messy, a gentle smile gracing his face.

"Thank you," Jaemin murmurs softly.

_Thank you_ , Renjun wanted to say. _Thank you for coming back_. 

Instead, a silence settles between them and the two made their way home together. He was a little glad that Jeno wasn't Jaemin's soulmate. If they had been soulmates, Renjun wouldn't be here, walking side by side with Jaemin. 


	11. Chapter 11

The sound of his phone ringing is what jerks him awake the next morning. Groggily stretching out a hand, he pulls it up to his face, half squinting as he swipes the green answer icon.

"Just hear me out."

He hadn't gotten a good look at the caller ID, but he's not even surprised to hear Chenle's voice. If it had been anyone else, he probably would have fallen into major panic mode, but with Chenle, he was able to relax. Closing his eyes, he huffs out a breath, propping himself up onto his elbows as he responds. "Chenle, I swear, if you woke me just to tell me you have another set up—"

"No, no. I swear it's not that," he interrupts, a giggle between every word. It was the way he spoke sometimes as though everything were funny.

Renjun hums. "Then to what do I owe this wake-up call?"

"Are you busy today?" Chenle queries. Which means he's already setting whatever idea he has in his head in motion. Renjun confirms that he's free as a bird for the day and he can practically hear the cheer in Chenle's voice. "We're hanging out today. It's been a while and Jisung misses you."

"Misses me?"

"Yeah." There's a pause on the other line. All he can really make out in the brief silence is Chenle's heavy breathing and a little static in the background. He thinks there's murmurs, but he could be mistaken. When Chenle speaks again, his voice drops down a notch. "Plus, I think he could use the distraction. Get his mind off things."

He recalls the night Chenle called in distress. Jisung showed up on his doorstep, a complete mess of tears clearly distraught. As far as he was aware, the topic was taboo. Only Chenle knew what really happened, and while Renjun found himself tempted to ask, he knew he had no place. He and Jisung weren't that close considering it was Chenle he was friends with. He felt that if he asked, it would cross the line. That was only a few weeks ago.

"Sure." He shifts over, pushing himself up until he's kneeling on the bed. "Where am I meeting you guys?"

He can already hear the excitement in Chenle's voice. "Downstairs in ten minutes." Before he has a chance to respond, the call ends and Renjun is left glaring at the screen.

With no other choice but to ready himself, he steps out of bed and makes his way to the bathroom. He stops just before his foot enters the room, tilting his head back and brow furrowing. "Jaemin?" he calls out, retreating from the bathroom and walking into the living room. His eyes take in the area, as well as the kitchen, frown deepening when all he's met with is an empty apartment. He tries to brush off the worry, hurrying to the bathroom when it dawns on him that he doesn't have much time to linger.

Downstairs, Chenle is already waiting in the lobby of the building. He stands when he sees Renjun, that mischievous little smile crossing his face.

"You didn't know if I'd say yes," he mutters, bumping his shoulder with Chenle's. He's about to respond when Renjun is practically tackled into a hug by Jisung who towered over him.

"Renjun hyung!" he greets chirpily, a wide smile forming across his face.

"Yo, Renjun-ah." Donghyuck lifts a hand to greet. Playing nonchalance despite being the least nonchalant person any of them have ever met. Rolling his eyes, Renjun makes a one arm opened gesture. Jisung was still hugging his left side. He watches a grin spread across Donghyuck's face right as he dashes into Renjun's arm, hugging his right side.

"What am I, your parents?" he grumbles softly, lifting his head upward so that he's looking at Chenle and Mark are standing, watching in silent but evidential amusement. It's written all across their faces. Renjun almost yells, but he bites down on his tone. "You two shouldn't look so amused when your boyfriends are snuggling up to another man."

"It's fine if it's you," Mark says. "You wouldn't steal them even if we said you could."

Despite saying this, when Jisung and Donghyuck don't move, the two end up prying them off of Renjun, claiming they would only be delaying their little adventure of the day. Renjun regards them with a raise of his brow, but when none of them acknowledge it, he sighs. The only option is to outright ask. They've reached Mark's car when he pops out the question.

"Where are we going?"

"The arcade."

Maybe that was what Chenle meant when he said it's been a while. They hadn't gone all that often, but every once in a while after school before exams, they'd make a trip down. Sometimes after exams as a sort of celebration.

He's situated between Chenle and Jisung. Donghyuck, being Mark's boyfriend, got automatic shotgun. At least, that's what he claimed when Renjun started for the door. He was too used to going out as a trio. Of course he understood and gave it up without a fight. 

The arcade isn't very far, but it's a good drive away. Most of it is silent until Donghyuck clicks his fingers and turns his head to glance over at Renjun. Curiosity is written all over his face; genuine curiosity.

"Renjun, you haven't met your soulmate yet?" Donghyuck doesn't give him a chance to respond as he continues with a frown. "Pity. I still think you would have liked our friend."

"He's the one we were going to set you up with. Would have liked him."

"Why didn't you?" he queries with a frown. Not that it mattered. He already met his soulmate. It was just a little surprising that, despite being having someone in mind, Chenle didn't try and loop Renjun into going on the little date. 

A silence looms over the car and he can't help but wonder if he's said something he shouldn't have. The silence certainly implied that. He can feel Jisung stiffen beside him, which only adds to his theory. However, before he can apologize or say anything to lighten the mood, Donghyuck hums softly.

"We found out he was dating someone," he whispers, turning his head to look out of the window. Renjun looks out of his own, wondering what this friend was like. 

When they pull up to the arcade, Jisung and Chenle are the first to disappear inside, Renjun following closely behind. They stand together just past the entrance after getting coins and in a matter of seconds, they disperse. He glances around the room, eyebrows pinching together as he tries to figure out which game to go for first. 

He ends up going for the motorbike game. 

As he's climbing on, there's a soft, short hum from somewhere beside him; the sort that people made as they were deep in thought. He glances over, face inches away from the person's. Losing his grip on the handle bars, he almost falls.

"Can you _please_ be careful?" Jaemin queries in a near-panic tone. Eyes wide and arms stretched out, he looks like he's about ready to catch Renjun himself. If only.

"What are you doing here?"

"I... Sorry, you're here with friends." His lips slim down into a thin line. "I didn't mean to disturb."

Shaking his head, Renjun turns to the screen and inserts the appropriate amount of coins. "I just didn't see you this morning, so I'm a little surprised. Just don't scare me like that again, yeah?"

"Ah." He smiles. "I wasn't aware you were here until I saw you."

"What brings you here then?"

"Nostalgia," he chuckles faintly, though it's halfhearted at best. He can barely keep that smile on his face. Lifting a hand, he tugs at a strand of hair, eyes shifting away from him. "I used to come here a lot. Hung out with my friends on our off days."

Parting his lips to respond, he doesn't get the first syllable out when he hears his name. Glancing back, he can faintly make out Chenle walking over. Jaemin appears in his line of sight, a timid smile across his face.

"I'll see you at home, okay?"

"O- Okay," Renjun stammers for lack of a better response. He can't exactly make Jaemin stay and he couldn't just leave. There was no other option. 

"There you are!" Donghyuck exclaims as he hurries over, Mark just a step behind him. His hand curls around one of his arms and tugging him gently. "C'mon, let's go play dance dance revolution."

He looks back, eyes frantically searching the rest of the room, but Jaemin is already long gone. 

"Coming," he whispers softly, turning back to Donghyuck and Mark, allowing them to pull him along.


	12. Chapter 12

When Renjun gets home, he finds Jaemin standing in the kitchen with an unreadable expression. Eyes clouded over and shoulders hunched, he drops the bag and rushes over to Jaemin's side. His hands reach out, but all he touches is air.

A loud _tsk_ passes his lips, worry clouding his features as he tries to meet Jaemin's gaze. It's beyond unfair that he can't touch him; that he can't hold him or cup his face and make him look at him. If only he could do all of that. If only he could comfort the boy in front of him with the expression so broken that it makes his heart ache.

After a passing moment, Jaemin lifts his head and their eyes meet and it hurts. Hurts how torn the boy looks. How lost he seems to be. How the tremble of a smile that graces his lips must hurt trying to pull off when it's clear he barely has the energy for it at all.

"Jaem, what's wrong?" he asks so softly, the words are barely audible through the room. It doesn't need to be loud, though. It's enough for Jaemin to hear.

"I wanted to cook," Jaemin responds, a scoff following shortly after. His eyes shift away. "I wanted to cook for you, but..."

"Hey, it's okay." Renjun tried to smile but it barely brushed his eyes. “You don’t have to worry about—”

“I don’t have to, but I do,” Jaemin stresses. It’s the first he’s heard Jaemin raise his voice like this. It’s not as terrifying as it is heart wrenching. “I can’t do a lot of things so I just… I feel pretty useless, you know?” He can hear the quake in his voice and it hurts. More than anything. That he can’t _do_ anything.

“This is where I would hit you again,” Renjun says instead with a shrug. “Don’t apologize for what you can’t control.”

The words linger in the air as Renjun makes his way over to the counter and pulls out a cup. He readies the coffee, turning around as he waits for the water to boil. Jaemin is leaning against the table, looking over at him with a faint smile.

“Did you have a good time?” he asks softly.

“Yeah, I did.” Renjun smiles. Jaemin’s words from earlier come back to him, so with a tilt of his head, he looks to Jaemin. “You said you went there with your friends. Do you remember them?”

“Yeah, I do. We were around the same age. One of them was younger. So it wasn’t hard to meet up every day and stuff.” A sigh escapes him, but Renjun watches quietly rather than commenting. “We grew up together, so it just sucks you know? I miss them. Especially little Jisungie.”

Renjun freezes.

Jisung is a common name, so the chances that they knew the same one were highly improbable. But the thing about fate is that it’s twisted. In Renjun’s opinion especially, fate was sick and twisted. He knew that the moment he walked in to find Jaemin on his couch. So what if it were the same one and they’d actually been a lot closer than either of them realized? What then?

“Park Jisung?” he asks before he can stop himself. He wasn’t going to ask because depending on the answer, he wasn’t sure how he would feel. Disappointed in both senses. He did not want to know that they had someone in common all this time. Because that just meant fate was shit and never really cared for them. Maybe even had it out for them.

“How did you—”

“He’s my friend’s boyfriend. My friend too, of course.” Renjun can’t control the way his voice is trembling, barely audible as he forces the words out into the air. “He was there with us tonight. Both of them.”

“Chenle.”

“Yeah.”

There’s a small smile on his face, head lowered in thought. A chuckle follows shortly after, but Renjun isn't sure what's so funny. Jaemin must realize because, after lifting his head, he smiles in a way that lets him know he's going to explain.

"He and Hyuck's boyfriend wanted to set me up with—"

"A friend of theirs."

Jaemin looks as surprised as Renjun feels.

"But then that one friend—"

"Got a boyfriend," Jaemin finishes off.

"They never said what happened to their friend. They'd usually invite them but I don't know. I just assumed..." He trails off, wobbling over to the table where he falls into the chair. Hands roughly treading through his hair, he stares at the oak wood of the table. "You were the friend they wanted to set me up with," he whispers.

"As were you."

"The person you started dating was Jeno then," Renjun deduces. It all makes sense. When he glances up, the look on Jaemin's face is enough of an answer. He can't help but scoff. "Small fucking world."

"Really small."

"Yeah."

Jaemin slides into the seat across from him, hands folded in front of him as he meets Renjun's eye. "Chenle tried to set it up, but you... He never said why, but I think you declined. And then when he tried again, I was already dating Jeno."

"I was picky. Just how I was with every other person he tried to set me up with." He runs a hand through his hair in frustration. He hated himself now more than ever. With this information, it just proved Donghyuck was right. Had he not been picky, he would have met Jaemin when he was technically supposed to. Had he pushed aside his pickiness for just one day, everything would be different. “If I had just”

“You didn’t know,” Jaemin whispers softly and maybe it's supposed to comfort him, but it doesn’t.

“I wish I did. I wish I hadn’t been so picky—”

“It’s okay.”

“You and I would have met sooner.”

“Renjun…”

“And you wouldn’t…” Fuck. The words are just coming, but it’s as he’s about to say them that he realizes how messed up it is. How true it is. “If I hadn’t been picky… If I’d just gone on that date with you, we wouldn’t be here right now. You wouldn’t be dead, Jeno wouldn’t be the mess that he is and we—” A sob finds its way up his throat, cutting him off completely. He hates himself more than anything at this moment. Everything he’s saying is true and he hates it. It makes him feel so much worse.

A breeze hugs him. He realizes it’s Jaemin putting his arms around him.

“It’s not fair,” Renjun whispers, voice still shaky. “I could have met you. All I ever wanted was the chance to meet my soulmate."

"You've already met me," Jaemin points out.

"Alive?"

Fate really is twisted. 


	13. Chapter 13

"I'm sorry about last night," Renjun mutters softly as he steps out of the bathroom and into the living room. Running the towel across his hair, his eyes flicker over to Jaemin who was cuddling Kyong to his chest and squishing her paws. He almost smiles at the sight.

"Good morning to you too," Jaemin offers cheerfully. Looking up, his face brightens as a toothy smile graces his face. "You look good with wet hair."

Taken aback, Renjun splutters for a response. He's not used to being outright complimented like this. He doesn't have a chance to think of a response when there's the jingle of the doorknob. He turns his head in the direction, not missing the way Jaemin jumps up from his seat and hurries to his side. He wonders what would happen if someone broke in and Jaemin were here. There was no way to save him from being hurt or anything. Worried eyes find his, but Renjun simply smiles.

Chenle walks in, pocketing the key. Following close behind is Jisung who closes the door.

"You gave them a key?" Jaemin asks in disbelief. The worry and concern washes away in an instant, muscles in his body relaxing. His shoulders sag and he releases a sigh.

Renjun offers an apologetic smile. "We all have a spare key to each other's places," he explains politely before turning to Chenle who he regards with a glare. "Which is meant for _emergencies_."

Lifting his hands defensively, a smile curls across his face. Chenle's eyes are darting around the room and for a moment he wonders why before he realizes that he'd just openly spoken to Jaemin in front of them.

"Well, this was more of a 'you can't keep avoiding my setting you up' emergency, but..."

"Hyung, your soulmate is here?" Jisung interrupts his partner, his own eyes darting around the room as if pulling every part of the room apart in search of the person he was looking for. "In this room?" Their eyes meet, his words coming out softer. Most likely because if the answer was 'yes', they'd know what that meant.

"Yeah," Renjun responds softly, glancing over at Jaemin whose expression is unreadable. His eyes are glued to the brunette boy in front of them.

"He's gotten taller," Jaemin whispers. He thinks Jaemin's eyes are watering, but he can't be too sure. An adoring smile spreads across his face as he walks over to stand beside Jisung, all the while Renjun's eyes follow after him. "Taller than me," Jaemin says between a laugh. Renjun only hums.

Jisung follows his gaze, brow furrowing before he turns to Renjun again. "Are they next to me?"

"When did they show up?" Chenle questions. Curiosity glistens his eyes, the unspoken question filling the air; question as to why Renjun hadn't mentioned it sooner or told any of them. He didn't really have an excuse aside from him wanting to wrap his head around the fact that his soulmate wasn't alive to begin with.

"A few weeks ago," Renjun says, gesturing toward the couch where they all take a seat. Jaemin sits down on the floor, looking up at Chenle and Jisung in silence. "I just... I didn't expect it. I walked in one day and there he was."

"So tell us more," Chenle pries eagerly. "What's his name? What is he like?

He falters. His words catch in his throat and he doesn't miss the way Chenle quirks a brow in question or how worried Jisung seems to be. He waves a hand to assure there's nothing they have to worry about and forces his lips up into a smile.

"You probably already know what he's like."

"What do you mean, hyung?" Jisung asks, shifting forward. He looks like a child about to be told some good news. Going over the words in his head, he's unsure as to whether this could be considered good or not. 

"I mean that you know him," Renjun finally says, biting back the sigh that rests in his throat. "His name is Na Jaemin."

The way all of their expressions shift. Chenle's lips press together in a firm line while an expression akin to heartbreak crosses Jisung's face. Their eyes, however, hold a happier emotion. As though this was good news. Jaemin looks at him with a frown, clearly not expecting Renjun to just come out with it like that. He shrugs and turns his attention back to the two, eyes widening when he sees the tears in Jisung's eyes.

"Jaem hyung?"

"Says you've gotten taller," Renjun informs with a smile. "You're already taller than him."

"R... Really?" He's sure Jisung doesn't know whether to cry or smile, but his mind seems to be made up as Chenle wraps an arm around him and he presses his head against his shoulder. A tinge of jealousy hits him sharply, but Renjun brushes it away, nodding in response. "I'm taller than Nana hyung?" 

"You are, my little Jisungie." Jaemin sighs softly. "I miss you kid."

As Renjun relays the words, he watches Jisung giggle. Giggle in a way that they haven't seen in so long. Once again, his mind goes to that night. Mentally, he pieces it all together. Jisung showing up on Chenle's doorstep a complete mess and Donghyuck being uncharacteristically silent around the same time must have been when Jaemin passed away. When they heard the news for the first time.

His heart aches at the thought. If that had been their reactions, he couldn't begin to imagine Jeno's, who had been right there when it happened.

"I miss him too!" Jisung sobs. His hands are gripping onto Chenle who is stroking his hair and back with each hand. As he does, Chenle looks over.

"You know we were going to set you two up," he informs. "But the first time you declined. The second time, he was seeing someone."

"I know." Renjun pauses, looking to Jaemin who nods, giving him the 'okay'. "It was Jeno. That's who he was seeing."

"Wait, really?" Chenle asks, unable to hide the surprise in his tone. 

Jisung, who manages to compose himself (for the most part), clicks his fingers. "All those excuses make sense. But then why not just tell us?"

Jaemin offers the answer to which Renjun finds himself relaying. "As not to disrupt the friend group if anything happened." Lowering his head, he adds, "Which it did."

"His death?"

"They broke up."

Chenle hums softly. "It must have been hard for him when he realized Jeno couldn't see him Oh!" Eyes wide as he remembers something, he tilts his head slightly. "Did you end up going to see him?"

Nodding and pressing his hands together, he explains everything that happened. To an extent. He tells them about Jeno's state and the reason behind his talking to himself right through to the blame. He doesn't tell them how Jaemin died, which becomes clear they don't know. He only tells them the necessary information. As he does, a thought pops into his head. Once the information has been relayed, he looks at the two with a little smile.

"Do you guys have any plans?"

The two share a look before shaking their heads in unison. 

"Stay for supper." He gestures to the phone. Chenle catches on, smiling as he stands and excuses himself to go make the phone call and Renjun does the same. 


	14. Chapter 14

Renjun opens the door for Mark and Donghyuck. Apparently Donghyuck forgot the spare key at home, so they couldn’t just walk in like they would any other time.

“I’m not even surprised that you’re here already,” Mark tells Chenle and Jisung as he takes a seat on the opposite couch. He’s already gotten himself comfortable by the time Donghyuck reaches the kitchen, side eyeing Renjun who holds the wooden spoon in one hand and has his other on his hip.

“They showed up here and I thought of the idea,” Renjun explains, turning away. “Just thought it would be nice, you know?”

He can hear Mark hum from the couch. “Definitely nice, gathered here and everything, but what brought it on?”

“He found his soulmate,” Chenle says before Renjun can so much as think of a response. There’s a light hum in the air. He can hear Donghyuck’s giddiness and felt the way Mark was looking at him.

“Are they coming?” Mark shoots the question fist. Renjun’s hand falters in its actions. He was just about to grab the chicken fillets to cut into pieces, but the question caught him off guard. Every possible response flies through his head.

“Something like that,” he offers instead. He glances over at Jaemin who, after Mark and Donghyuck’s arrival, shifted his way over to the kitchen and joined his side. A faint smile graces his lips.

“Hey, Ren?” Donghyuck asks, eyes analytical. “Who are you looking at?”

The room falls silent. Despite being aware of everything having just been told, Chenle and Jisung don’t utter a word. Silence hugs the room intensely as they wait for his response. He can picture the way the gears turn in Mark’s head. The moment the ‘oh’ passes itself into the air.

“You’re looking at your soulmate, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s… Where?”

Turning around, his lips curl at the corners. “Right next to me.”

Mark looks like he wants to say something, but before he has a chance to get the words out, there’s a knock at the door. Everyone looks over, while Renjun goes to answer it.

“You made it,” he says. He can’t help himself as he steps out into the hallway and wraps his arms around Jeno.

Jeno returns the hug. “Of course.” He huffs out a breath. Renjun squeezes his shoulder gently. He sounds nervous. Eyes shifting behind Renjun, he sighs shakily.

Stepping aside, he lets Jeno in and shuts the door. He’s in the doorway, glancing over at the group in the living room. “Hey.”

There’s a moment of silence where he can see the awkwardness seeping into the air. A moment that shatters the moment Donghyuck tackles Jeno into a hug and Chenle is cheering from the couch, half falling into Jisung’s lap. Mark makes a comment about how it was good to see him again. It’s good to see everyone smiling again.

“Well, you can have a seat, Jeno. I still have to get supper ready.”

“You’re cooking?” Jeno queries, disbelief seeping into his tone. He can already picture the expression on his face.

“Yeah,” Renjun says with a roll of his eyes. “I can cook.”

“Since when?” Mark chuckles to which Renjun glares. As if Mark were any better; he once tried to boil an egg and it came out all broken beyond help. He was definitely the worst of the group when it came to cooking. Renjun _may_ have been runner up.

“Since a few weeks ago.”

Donghyuck clicks his fingers. “Your soulmate can cook, can’t they?”

He almost smiles. “Yes,” he says, careful as he says the next words. “Jaemin can cook, so he’s been guiding me.”

Donghyuck’s expression blanks. “Jaemin?” His voice sounds so far off, Renjun almost misses it. “You’re… Is this… Is it?”

“Na Jaemin—” He’s cut off as a set of arms wrap around him, pulling him back into his chest. His words are completely cut off as Donghyuck hugs him, not bothering to turn him around as he does. Lifting a hand, he strokes the top of Donghyuck’s hand gently. “It’s alright, Hyuck,” he murmurs softly.

When he releases, he offers his assistance. Jaemin guides him and Renjun relays his words to Donghyuck who smiles all the while. By the time they’ve finished supper, Jisung has already set the table and is leaning over the couch, arms loosely draped around Chenle. They gather into the living room, Renjun and Donghyuck distributing glasses of iced tea.

“Thank you all for coming,” he says. They’ve all dished and are seated in the living room; the table didn’t have enough space for everyone.

“Was this really because you met your soulmate?” Mark questions, looking at Renjun curiously. “To tell us?”

“Partially.”

“Partially?”

Lowering his head slightly, he nods. “I thought, since we all knew him, we could have this dinner in honor, you know? I didn’t know him as well as you guys, but he’s my soulmate, so…” He lifts his glass. “To a great friend and soulmate.”

Everyone lifts their glass. Renjun catches Jaemin’s eye and he offers a smile to the boy who only stared quietly at him, eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“To Na Jaemin,” Renjun murmurs. “Who won’t go unforgotten.”


	15. Chapter 15

"You must have had a good time," Jaemin murmurs when he walks into the living room a little after midnight. The night ended quietly, with the group leaving around eleven. They were willing to stay and help clean up, but Renjun insisted it was fine and took it into his own hands as soon as they were out of the room.

Jaemin is on the couch as usual, but Kyong isn't anywhere to be seen. "It seemed fun."

"You were here too, you know," he murmurs softly as he joins Jaemin's side. It still hurts, not being able to hold him in moments like these. As he peaks out of the corner of his eye, their conversation from the other day comes flying back. Folding his hands together nervously, he releases a soft sigh.

"Thank you for what you did," he says.

Renjun smiles. "Part of my apology."

"Still on about that?" Jaemin shakes his head. "You have no reason to apologize. You were right."

His heart stutters in his chest. Hearing those words were not something he was expecting. It never occurred to him to hear those words, especially coming from Jaemin.

"What?"

"I said you were right," Jaemin repeats softly. He turns around on his seat so he's face to face with Renjun who does the same. Both of them have their legs crossed, knees brushing up against each other, but all Renjun feels is air. He looks at Jaemin with a slight frown. Jaemin's expression is torn. "Unfair that the only time we will ever get to hold each other, to touch each other and and feel each other is when you're no longer alive. It's unfair that we could have had all of that if Jeno and I hadn't started dating," he pauses, his voice shaking as he speaks. He casts his gaze downward. "But you know what the most unfair thing about all of this is?"

Renjun smiles slightly. "You're going to tell me either way," he says lightly. Jaemin chuckles.

"The most unfair thing is that we could have had all of this before I died." He chuckles though this time it comes out hollow and bitter. "But I don't know. Maybe I was fooling myself."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what I said." Jaemin stands up then, walking over to the window that looks out onto a few of the houses ahead. Renjun can't see his face and it's unsettling. He liked being able to face Renjun in moments like these. Especially when they were speaking. "We broke up. A little after he moved to my town, we started dating. Met at university. Different majors, but same friend group."

"Jisung and Donghyuck."

Jaemin nods. "We never told them we were dating, so we never told them that we broke up. Three years together and we never told them. Hard to forget those feelings. When we broke up, we stayed friends." He scoffs. "Somewhere between it all, maybe we both believed we'd get back together. We just weren't ready to disregard it all, you know? And then this happened."

His shoulders are trembling. As he watches Jaemin shake, Renjun understands why he walked over there. He's hardly ever seen him outright cry. Ninety per cent of the time, he had a smile across his face.

"I'm so sorry. Had we not been that hung up over each other, we'd have each other the way we were meant to."

Slowly getting to his feet, Renjun makes his way over to Jaemin's side. Leaning over until he's in his line of sight, he offers a small smile.

"A wise man once said 'we already met'." He reaches for Jaemin's hand, far from concerned that they don't even touch. "Really influential and all, you know?"

Turning head, despite the tears, Renjun can see the way the smile slowly reaches his face before a soft laugh escapes him. He likes seeing Jaemin laugh; hearing him laugh. It's the sort that lights the whole room up like a flame.

"Jaem," he says gently. "We have each other. Maybe not the way in which we both intended, but nonetheless we have each other. That's all that matters."

Jaemin hums.

"You're right."


	16. Epilogue

** [ A few months later] **

It's the middle of the night when he wakes up. An annoyed _tsk_ passes his lips, a frown across his face. Why was he awake in the first place? Why couldn't he just sleep right through the night?

He turns over to look at the clock, but stops, breath hitching as he finds himself face to face with Jaemin. This was probably the closest they've ever really been. Jaemin has really long lashes, Renjun notes. He looks so peaceful and at ease with everything. He almost seems _real_. But Renjun knows better than anyone that if he just reached out a hand, it would go right through Jaemin.

"Did you know," Jaemin murmurs softly, Renjun jolting a little in surprise. Lowering his gaze, his brows lift in surprise to find Jaemin looking right up at him. There's a hint of a smile on his face. "Fate isn't totally unfair."

"Why would you say that?" Renjun queries, annoyance building up. There was nothing good about fate except that it decided to put them together. He'd have thought differently if he and Jaemin had met sooner. Or if every time he tried reaching out, his hand wouldn't go right through his head or shoulder. Crossing his arms defiantly, his gaze shifts to the ceiling. "You can defend it all you want, but I'm not changing my mind," he tells Jaemin without looking at him. He can't bare to look at him right now. "Fate screwed us over. I still can't hold you like I want or touch you or brush your hair out of your face or tell you you're beautiful when you're not overthinking and kiss you before you can respond!" His voice is growing louder and while he wants to stop, he can't. If he stops, his mind will wander. He'll realize how much he's shaking right now and how hard it is to meet Jaemin's eyes. He'll realize how there are tears in his eyes that refuse to go away no matter how much he tries to blink them away. He

His thoughts cut off as Jaemin shifts. Laying flat on his stomach beside Renjun, his hands which were supporting his chin are reaching out. Jaemin grabs hold of Renjun's hands. Now he can't fight off the tears as they just keep coming.

Jaemin's hands are warm.

It's the first thing he thinks. The second is realizing that he can feelJaemin. Jaemin who releases one of his hands and reaches out to cup his cheek, thumb brushing away at the tears that continue to fall.

"I discovered something," Jaemin says gently. A look of adoration rests across his face, a gentle smile stretching to his cheeks. "Do you want to know what it is?"

"I... I want to know how," Renjun croaks out. Somewhere between waking next to Jaemin and being able to _feel_ him, he lost the hold on his emotions. His grip tightens around Jaemin's hand, afraid that if he let go, he wouldn't be able to feel this again. How much bigger Jaemin's hands were compared to his and how easily their hands were able to join, like a perfect fit.

"It happens only if one of you have passed on, but on the birthday of either one, the one who has passed on becomes physical for the day. Solid. _Real_. For the entirety of those twenty-four hours, they're more than just a soul following your around." He pulls Renjun's hand to his cheek, running it gently along the length of his face as his eyes flutter closed. "I don't know when your birthday is, but mine is today."

It feels like this big miracle. Or those movies where only the impossible can happen. Of course while living in the world for this long, nobody would know everything about the way soulmates worked. Nobody could really tell you what happens when your soulmate is dead people don't typically like to speak about that sort of thing. Generally, a lot of people only found out a good few years into their age whether the person they loved was their soulmate. But this was rare. He can't help but smile at the thought. He's glad he found out like this. Glad he found out about this sort of thing in this moment with Jaemin right beside him.

"March," Renjun stammers softly. "My birthday is in March."

Jaemin flashes a smile that reaches his eyes for the first time in what feels a lot longer than it has been. "Twice a year. Which is probably better than nothing at all—"

Jaemin's lips are soft.

Soft against his own, as he closes the distance between them, and their lips come crashing together. Jaemin tastes of sweets and gum. He's certain he tastes like salt, from the tears. Arms wrapping around Jaemin's neck, they go tumbling down onto the bed, Jaemin on top of him. They separate to catch their breaths. Heavy breathing. He spares a look up at Jaemin whose face is tinged pink, right up to his ears.

"I'm sorry," Renjun starts, but he's cut off as Jaemin lowers himself down. Resting against his chest, Jaemin rests his face in the crook of his neck. His breath is warm. In the middle of summer, it would be far too warm to be acceptable, but he doesn't care. He wraps his arms around Jaemin, delicate and careful with every move he makes.

Turning his head slightly, he places a soft kiss atop Jaemin's head and allows his eyes to close.

"Happy Birthday, Na Jaemin."

He can feel Jaemin smile against his neck. "I love you, Huang Renjun."


End file.
